Now that I am mum

My parents kept me from children who were rough

Stephen Spender

My parents kept me from children who were rough

and who threw words like stones and who wore torn clothes.

Their thighs showed through rags. They ran in the street

And climbed cliffs and stripped by the country streams.

I feared more than tigers their muscles like iron
And their jerking hands and their knees tight on my arms.

I feared the salt coarse pointing of those boys

Who copied my lisp behind me on the road.

They were lithe, they sprang out behind hedges

Like dogs to bark at our world. They threw mud

And I looked another way, pretending to smile,

I longed to forgive them, yet they never smiled.

These last two weeks have brought a roller coaster of fears, anxieties, excitement and anticipation. When I was out on my run on Saturday evening, I was so pleased that eventually the poet Stephen Spender's name came to me as I was desperate to track down the poem above as it was one of my absolute favourites when I was at school and I felt that it was able to express some of my emotions about being a mum at this point in Alice's life. About protecting, yet letting go of our children.


English literature and poetry was my sanctuary away from the bully girls in my last year at school.The library became my best hideout ever. 

  
I never saw the taunting and snide remarks and giggles (amongst other things) behind my back as bullying as such and despite my mum being upset about my so-called-friend's behaviour I tried to never let it get to me. This all started in the last 6 months of my matriculation (last year of school when I was 17). All because I wanted to knuckle down and get the grades to do a Science degree at University. All because I didn't want to go out drinking to get drunk every weekend and didn't want to sleep with boys to distract me from my studying. 

I remember the sheer joy of getting good enough grades to go to University and pursue a life away from the girls who had "rejected" me as their friend. 

I never looked back. University and my new life away from my home city was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

I chose a new way, a new start away from the pain I realised only years later that I had carried during those last 6 months of school.  

It felt good.

I guess the essence of my blog post today is that these past few days/week is seeing our lives change again. Metamorphosing into it's next chapter. The letting go of teeny tiny but very strong apron strings.

Practicing catching the bus, crossing busy roads, handling money and fledging into the world without me and learning to spread little wings of independence.

It's that fine line, that delicate balance of letting go but still watching over.

Allowing growth and dispelling any fears.

Seeing this as a positive and exciting thing.

Each time we go our separate ways in the mornings and find our separate ways back home at the end of the day, knowing that it will feel more and more normal.

Remembering how strong and brave my mother was needing me at 5 and my sister at 7 to catch 2 buses home and that despite my fear of all the evils in the world our sweet child is resilient and strong and sensible and will do just fine despite her mama's worrying!

Having all safety nets and contingency plans in place, I can start my new job on Monday in peace knowing we will be good.

Trusting that she will blossom :0)

Knowing that she will.

ps. Thanks for all your lovely comments, I do love reading them. I have been asked a few questions lately and thought I might reply in my comments box as some other people do on their blogs  so that I don't have to email you separately as I don't want to appear rude and not answer your Q's. Would that be OK? xox