This is what I am doing here
Ok, so I don't want to get too heavy here on this old blog of mine, but I did commit to doing 10 postcards and this title out of the 31 titles of confessions jumped out at me this evening.
The hardest thing I think I have ever gone through was a weekend of seeing my husband (to be at the time, we were not married yet) having a breakdown and entering into a psychotic episode of delusions and paranoia in 2005. Convincing him that he needed to go to hospital and be assessed was heartbreaking and because we were living in separate towns at the time he had to be
transferred to where he lived as he was registered with his GP there. I don't want to go into all the details and immense emotional roller coaster that ensued, as I have compartmentalised them and they are safely dealt with and we have moved on. I just remember eventually after a whole day in A & E being transported to a mental health unit in Brighton where I had to admit him and then helped him settle into a room with an en-suite. He was so unwell and very delusional, a 6'4" man standing like a little boy lost. It was so frightening and shocking to witness someone you love going through such torment and in such a vulnerable place.
The hardest part was walking away.I broke down in what felt like primal sobbing at the time and have never felt so alone.
Alice was 5 at the time and she spent the day and night at a good friends home and remained none the wiser. My priority was to protect her and keep things as normal as possible for her.
The shock of it all caused me to stutter for about 3 weeks.
Months went by and slowly Andy got better having been diagnosed with schizoid affective disorder, I learnt about what his triggers were and we have managed well with various strategies to help reduce the triggers. He had done so well up until last year when his work became so stressful he had another breakdown and had to be admitted to a mental health unit locally. Unfortunately, extreme stress is a massive trigger for him and we were aware of this, but some times it just takes one tiny extra drop of water into the cup to make it overflow and this is what happened. I felt more prepared and coped a bit better I think, it was still shocking and extremely distressing especially for Alice who was almost 12 at the time. That killed me not being able to fully protect her, but we have had lots of time to talk things through and I hope and pray I have been able to support her as much as possible and that Andy will remain well.
Life is so precious my friends, so delicate and fragile. I believe in love and this is the most powerful thing for me during these very hard moments in my life. I do believe that I am richer for these experiences and more wise about mental health. Life certainly has it's challenges, all relative to each and everyone of us and I wish you all very good health.
If you like TED talks there are some great ones on mental health, I especially liked this one and this one.
Thanks for stopping and see you soon
xox
I love the new posts Pen. You are such a gem. love love love me.
ReplyDeleteDear Penny - thank you (again) for letting us into your life. What a harrowingly lovely post.
ReplyDeleteI think the hardest thing I ever did was to watch my husband go through three brain surgeries and come out of each a little worse than he went in. It's still hard - he still struggles every day - but (like you) I think we are richer for the experience. One of the most precious results is that we can better understand and sympathise with others who have serious medical problems. It makes all the difference in the world to be able to say, "I know. It's hard. We've been there too."
Here's wishing very good health to you and Alice and Andy.
Dear Penny so kind of you to have shared this story of part of your life, both the experience and the telling must have been so hard for you, but we will be all the richer for gaining your perspective. Thank you for sharing. I wish you and your family all the best for whatever the future brings. xx
ReplyDeleteWell My Lovely it sounds like you have one very special family unit there! I don't think any of us should take our mental health for granted. We all walk a very fine line and none of us always know what the triggers will be. People don't always understand the impact these illnesses can have on those who offer the support, more often the focus is on the person experiencing it. Don't worry too much about Alice, it sounds like you are doing your best to instill understanding in her, she wil be a better human being for this. If you we were in the same room I'd give you a big hug, so I'll send a virtual one instead! :) xxx
ReplyDeleteI usually look for the happy crafty blogs but have found your postcards interesting. This one in particular so thank you for sharing. xx
ReplyDeleteYep being human is not easy... and life is certainly not fair it just is... I think that being compassionate and honest with ourself and with others is the very best we can do and you seem to be doing both. I'm with Ada I think Alice is in good hands... Smiles Cass x
ReplyDeleteLife is certainly difficult and not straightforward.You seem to be coping so well.
ReplyDeleteBless your heart for this very, very brave post. Life is not easy, you are a wonderful wife and mother , your daughter will be a stronger woman with loads of compassion for having gone through this with you and your husband. I have depression in my family and it is never easy to see, or to try and help those involved.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this post.
Meredith
I'm glad your family came through this. It's a testament to your love for one another that you're all healthy today.
ReplyDeleteOh Penny, what a powerful and moving post. I want to hug you, and Andy and Alice too. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing this with us - mental health is still such a taboo subject and I embrace any opportunity to discuss it (although I am not yet brave enough to broach it on my blog) and I certainly don't take mine for granted. I think you have one incredibly special family unit and that there is a lot of love among you all. Lots of love to you. xx
ReplyDeletehuge hugs, I have my own struggles with mental health so you and your family have my deepest sympathies, I have also seen what stress can do to friends with mental health conditions, if only the world were kinder. Keep talking to your daughter and let her feel included, my mother became ill when I was 13 and my sister and I were told virtually nothing and that not knowing made it all much more scary. And thank you for blogging about serious things as well as fun ones.
ReplyDeleteYour strength in supporting and loving your family is testament to what a great woman you are Penny. I know I'd like you on my side of the fence if the chips were down and that has always been apparent through your words. All so very hard when you have to do something so neccessary to be able to help Andy and yet try to protect your child at the same time. Alice sounds like she's being raised by you both to be a wise, fun and caring girl, but I completely understand your fears for her worries too. So hard being a mum and wanting to protect, but needing to be a strong wife too. I really hope in all of this you find the release and support you also need as your job is emotionally demanding too. Mind you yarn and the sea seriously help don't they.
ReplyDeleteMental health shouldn't be such a taboo subject should it, it's simply something else in our bodies that needs mending and stabilising. Glad you have raised the subject. My aunt had a complete breakdown around the time dad died last year so mum felt she had died also as she was unreachable for over a year. Mum has only been able to tell her recently that dad died. She had numerous suicide attempts and in the end was given a series of ECT to try and stabilise her. She's now home again, but has a worrying fascination with Hitler, that borders on admiration. Now that is more of a taboo subject I think than mental health don't you (sorry for the dark humour).
Have a good weekend lovely. X
You are a brave and wonderful woman Penny and a cornerstone of a lovely family unit ... mental health shouldn't be taboo ... and people like you with your story help others understand ... wishing you all a lovely weekend ... Bee xx
ReplyDeleteMental Health still feels very much like a taboo subject. Most us have had a time in our lives that hasn't been easy to deal with and for some like you say that one drop of water can be one drop too many. It's great that you feel able to share with the blog world your highs and lows and know that the support will be there.
ReplyDeletePenny, You are very very brave to admit to these heartfelt emotional episodes...I take my hat off to you, your husband and your lovely daughter....words really don't express what i would like to say here...but if you were standing in front of me i would hug you very tight....all my love and best wishes....daisy x
ReplyDeleteWhat a moving Post Penny. As someone whose Mother has a mental illness I completely agree with you that these experiences have made me richer in that I have an enormous amount of compassion and empathy for anyone suffering from mental illness as well as understanding for their families. The hardest thing for me as a 12 year old was that I wasn't told anything. Mum was fine and then suddenly she wasn't and it was all very confusing. They were different times back then where these issues were brushed under the carpet through lack of knowledge but mostly because of the stigma. Because you are so open with your daughter she will be absolutely fine, she is very lucky to have such a loving family. Wishing your husband continued good health... Mel xxx
ReplyDelete